The Self-Forgiveness Experiement

 

OK let’s explore the “What the Hell” effect I mentioned last week and the research that was done about self-forgiveness as it affects your future behavior and success or failure. The “What the Hell” effect was first coined by dieting researchers Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman. Quoting from Kelly McGonigal’s book The Willpower Instinct, “These researchers noticed that many dieters would feel so bad about any lapse even if was just a piece of pizza or a bite of cake that they felt as if their whole diet was blown. Instead of minimizing the harm by not taking another bite, they would say, ‘What the hell, I already blew my diet. I might as well eat the whole thing.’”

Kelly goes on to recount the circumstances and outcome of an experiment on this behavior. “The two psychologists invited weight-watching women into the laboratory, then encouraged them to eat doughnuts and candy in the name of science. These researchers had an intriguing hypothesis about how to break the what-the-hell cycle. If guilt sabotages self-control, they thought, then maybe the opposite of guilt would support self-control. Their unlikely strategy: Make half these doughnut-eating dieters feel better about giving in.”

The women in the study were asked to finish off a doughnut then they had the women drink enough water to feel full. In the next step, the researchers divided the women into two groups giving the first group “a special message to relieve their guilt” while the second group were not told anything about going easy on themselves.

These same women were then served three large bowls of candy and asked to sample each candy and rate it. They could eat as much or as little as they liked. The idea was that if the women still felt guilty about eating the doughnut, they would likely say to themselves, ‘I already broke the diet, so what does it matter if I inhale these Skittles?’

After this taste test the candy bowls were all weighed to see what group ate the most. The results? “The women who received the special self-forgiving message ate only 28 grams of candy, compared with 70 grams by the women who were not encouraged to forgive themselves,” Kelly reports.

Wow, when you think about the overall implications of this experiment they are absolutely huge! Just forgiving yourself can be life changing. If you are paying attention and directing all or at least as most of that “self-talk” and “chatterbox” toward cutting yourself some slack, you would certainly be able to stay on track with your goals, even when you slip here and there. Just give yourself tons of forgiveness and watch your life get better and better by the day.

 

Moving Beyond Your Mistakes

So how have you been coming along with the self-compassion and forgiving of self?  Shortly after I wrote last week’s post on that subject I was playing doubles tennis with friends when I heard my partner chastising herself over a flubbed shot.  It didn’t stop there, though. She went on to berate herself on her over all  play even going back to several previous points and into mistakes she’d made in the previous game.  Wow, and that was just what she was saying out loud for everyone to hear.  I’m pretty sure her internal dialog was even more severe.

Suddenly, at that moment, I realized I was doing a bit of that “self-criticizing and beating myself up on my missed shots and mistakes, only I was doing it “inside my head”.  Yes my ol’ chatterbox was sabotaging my tennis game too.  Recognizing that, I immediately forgave myself for such thoughts and quickly started playing much, much better and we went on to win the set.

Strangely most of us are tough on ourselves but generous on others. Every time my partner made a mistake I would immediately tell her “Hey, no problem. We’ll get the next point.” Of course my positive words of forgiveness and encouragement should also be the words and thoughts that she should be saying internally and externally.

As I mentioned last week, studies have shown that self-criticism and beating up on yourself when you make a mistake leads to more mistakes and forgiving yourself leads to more success.   Kelly McGonigal makes that point over and over in her great book “The Willpower Instinct”. When she mentions self-forgiveness while she’s teaching a class she says “the arguments start pouring in. You would think I had just suggested that the secret to more will power was throwing kittens in front of speeding buses.” The students generally say “If I forgive myself, I’ll just do it again.” or “My problem isn’t that I’m too hard on myself–my problem is that I’m not self-critical enough!” But again the research pretty much proves that the more we forgive ourselves the more success we will have in the future.

What research was done and how it was done has a bit to do with the so called “What the Hell” effect. Come back and read next week’s blog and I will lay that out for you.

Beating Yourself Up vs. Forgiving Yourself

My daughter Cammy teaches yoga and has persuaded me to go a number of times–and yes my creaky body certainly benefits from all that posing and stretching–but her comments to the class at the end of each session finally got through to my brain. I’ve been over the top surprised about what a powerful and life enhancing message she was delivering all this time and it had totally passed me by.

Her simple statements didn’t sink in until I was re-reading Kelly McGonigal’s wonderful book The Willpower Instinct. My daughter would end all of her yoga classes saying “Thank yourself for putting forth the effort to come today and please cultivate more and more compassion for yourself–don’t be hard on yourself.” I’ve always thought her words were pretty good advice but WOW have I made a great discovery that puts those words in a category much, much greater than just “good advice”. Let me explain.

Anyone that reads my blogs knows I am a huge advocate of setting lots of goals, and tough ones, for yourself. I preach that all the time to anyone who will listen. My big time discovery is that I realized that when I fell short of my goals I’d been doing exactly the wrong thing to myself, the very thing that hurts me and makes it even more difficult to reach new goals in the future. What I’ve been doing (and you probably have been doing the same thing) is this: When I fail or fall short of a goal I beat myself up mentally and I certainly don’t have any compassion for myself. I, like most people, think that if I forgive myself for falling short of my goal, I’ll just do it again. However, that is simply not true.

As it turns out, research done by two psychologists from Louisiana State University and Duke University show that it’s forgiveness of self, not guilt and beating yourself up that increases your accountability. I was shocked. I read this in McGonigal’s book where she goes on to say “These findings fly in the face of our instincts. How can this be, when so many of us have a strong intuition that self-criticism is the cornerstone of self-control, and self-compassion is a slippery slope to self-indulgence?” But in this case our instinct is dead wrong!

This very smart and well-spoken author also mentions that “One reason forgiveness helps people recover from mistakes is that it takes away the shame and pain of thinking about what happened. The what-the-hell effect is an attempt to escape the bad feelings that follow a setback. Without the guilt and self-criticism, there’s nothing to escape. This means it’s easier to reflect on how the failure happened, and less tempting to repeat it.”

Isn’t that fascinating? We’ll talk more on this subject next week but in the meantime try forgiving yourself daily for any failure or falling short of what you have set out for yourself. Take time to give yourself great dosages of compassion and, yes, it’s okay to love yourself and a lot. Talk to yourself and give praise and love like you would to a kid that you love.

Live in the Now: Be Free of the Past and the Future

I hope you had a chance to read last week’s blog and have been practicing keeping aware of every moment and accepting it for what it is. Now here are a few hints that can help anyone to live in the moment or in the right now more readily and constantly. At least they have helped me and I hope they can do the same thing for you.

1. Be free of unease. Make a conscious effort to monitor your thoughts and feelings by constantly asking “What is going on in my mind right now?” Halt any worrying questions about the past or the future.

2. See if in those monitored moments you can catch yourself complaining in speech or thought. If so, you are probably “playing the victim”. Calmly silence that kind of chatter.

3. Always remember that to complain is not accepting of “what is” and it’s usually something that is in the past or something you anticipate that will happen in the future. Either do something about your complaint or accept it.

4. As you move, as you play or as you work, do it totally in the great “right now” as if this one moment is all there is and all you want.

It’s interesting to note that many times, even when a person is engaged in an activity that is meant to be fun and enjoyable, it can be ruined or at least diminished by what the brain is doing or not doing. I’ve noticed for example, that many times when I am playing a tennis match–especially in a tournament–that the more I think about a bad shot that I just made or wonder if I might be able to win this particular game or set I find myself not enjoying this game that I play in order to have fun. Plus I notice that when I am having thoughts about the recent past (the bad shot) or the future (if I can win this game, set, or match) I usually don’t play near as well as I know that I can. So I am losing in two ways—first, I am no longer having fun and second, I end up losing the match. That’s pretty dumb, don’t you agree? And it doesn’t have to be that way, not if I just work on training my brain to live “in the now” and I mean that “right this moment now”!

It’s certainly ok and even fun to recall and reminisce over good and fun times of the past and it’s quite necessary to do some planning and goal setting for the future but the key is, don’t spend the majority of your time in those two places. For maximum peace of mind, pleasure, and feeling of fulfillment, spends most of your life in the great “right now”. Make “the now” the primary focus of your life.

 

Revisiting “Living in the Now”

If you’ve been reading my blog for a little while, then you know how much I believe we need to re-read books and other information even when we think we know it well. You will be surprised how many things you pick up that you didn’t the first time. Plus, we often really need a reminder to get us refocused on the things we learned the first time we read that great book or article. Or blog post.

This week I’d like to re-visit an old but very critical and important subject I’ve written about before, one that brings so very much life to your years, and even years to your life. It’s the simple but very difficult daily habit of “living in the present moment” or more simply put “living in the now”. Let me just summarize a few key points that may help you (and me!) “Live In The Now”.

No. 1 Constantly remind yourself to direct your “inner chatter”. Focus on what you are doing and feeling at the given moment. Even when you are just walking to the mailbox or standing in line, be there in your mind with each step and each breath and keep your thoughts present and positive.

No. 2 Accept whatever the present moment contains–good or bad. Of course if it’s bad and you can change it, do so. But if you can’t change it then accept it and try to do so as if you’d chosen it. Always work with it not against it. Make your circumstances your friend.

No. 3 Remove wanting and craving and you end suffering. The Buddha taught that the root of all suffering is to be found in a state of constant wanting and craving. If you think about it you can see that “wanting and craving” is certainly opposite or, at minimum, much removed from truly living in the “NOW”.

Next week, I’ll give you a few tips on how to make this process and state of being easier to achieve. In the meantime, just work on being aware and mindful of everything you do at every moment and every thought that goes through your mind. It takes practice but it can be done and it will make you happier to be in the very moment you have right now.

The Biggest Leap is the Small Step of Getting Started

Last week I spoke about the key to reaching your goals–taking small but regular steps towards what you want. The reason this works is because the small steps seem so do-able while the big leaps can feel overwhelmingly huge. Giving yourself just one small step at a time makes your tasks less daunting and you are more likely not just to start them but complete them!

For example, I apply this concept to my daily work outs to push myself to get them done. On the many days that I don’t want to climb on the stair master or put time in on the elliptical machine or go on a challenging mountain hike, I make a little deal with myself. I say, “Ok, since I am very tired or in the wrong mood I am only going to work out for just 5 or 10 minutes” Then, with only that minimal time to cover, I begin, knowing in the back of my mind that just “starting” is sometimes the very hardest part and knowing from experience that when I get to 5 or 10 minutes I will almost always just keep going.

This approach works for just about anything. I put myself in this mindset of just starting with a small goal to get myself going on my daily business tasks (especially since I really don’t have to work if I don’t want to), to the writing of this blog, or even working on a new book. Always keep in mind that just the “starting” can push you to make that big breakthrough on any project or goal that you have. Take that first step and you will see that the next steps follow more easily not to mention you will have the momentum of already working on it to keep you moving forward.

So what are you dreading doing today? Just set a small goal to get you started and see where that takes you. Daily small steps, daily small goals, even daily small acts of kindness and charity tend to compound and grow to be huge successes and can change your history, your life, make you famous or make you a fortune and even change, for the better, the history of the world. You’ll just never know what you can affect until you start!

 

How SSS may be Killing Dreams

Whether you want to hit it big financially, physically or just plain want to be famous, SSS may be the cruel “killer” of your dream! What is SSS? It’s simply the perceived notion of instant or overnight success in anything. It stands for “Super Star Syndrome”.

Believe it or not the super quick success of people like Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook fame or the late, great Steve Jobs of Apple Computer can kill your big time dreams. How? Because what you see and read can make it seem like the billionaire ranks were made virtually overnight. So this kind of super-fast success gives too many people the idea that an overnight fortune, instant fame, super quick weight loss or getting into Olympic shape can be accomplished almost overnight. Those thoughts and ideas are stimulated and reinforced through so much clever advertising.

You’ve seen it many times–those promoters that have something to sell can be pretty enticing with their promise that you can lose 25 pounds in 30 days “guaranteed!” or make a fortune in 6 months with their “Sure Fire System”. Of course then they always show you several examples of people who used their method with tremendous success so even though you don’t know if those few testimonials are really true, their suggestion that it could also happen to you is brain washing you into thinking you will have that kind of success. You just have to buy into what they’re selling and it will happen!

The big problem is that some people do really reach super success nearly overnight and, yes, it is possible … for a very few, very select people in the world. Such success is so insanely rare and often more of a fluke of luck or timing—a combination of circumstances with aspects these people had no control over—that made it happen! But for 99.9999% of people it just ain’t gonna happen! And if you keep holding onto the thought that overnight success is just going to drop in your lap, that waiting game will eventually kill your big dream. Your dreams take action, not just more dreaming.

For the vast majority of people super success in virtually all things in life are achieved one step, one deal, and one hour at a time. If we burn that message into our brains we will keep moving forward knowing that success can be and will be ours in the long run. My wealth hero’s that gave me inspiration and motivation were guys like Conrad Hilton, J.W. Marriot, and McDonald’s Ray Kroc or more recently, Warren Buffet. It took these people many, many years and one step at a time to reach the point of “Super Success”.

To me, the real key is fully understanding that it takes lots and lots of baby steps, but those baby steps will eventually take you great distances. If we understand that principal and apply it daily it helps keep us going. So let go of the idea that you will end up with your dreams realized by sheer chance or by some guaranteed system or product. Do the work, one little step at a time and it will happen!

A Meaningful Life Means Having Meaningful Work

Last week I started talking about the importance of that one thing we all love to complain about but need so badly as well—Work! We don’t need it just for the money either!

In the book I brought up last week, “When All You Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough “, Harold Kushner lists  the many super benefits to working. He notes “that we work for meaning as much as for money. We work so that our days will not be empty of meaning … but the key to our happiness, to our being able to find pleasure in our work, is the sense that we are using our abilities, not wasting them, and that we are being appreciated for it. Whatever it is in your power to do, do it with all your might.”

Wow … there is real wisdom and truth in what he is saying and of course that’s a big reason we all should be involved in the kind of work that we have a real passion for, even if that kind of work doesn’t pay much. Kushner says “If we are lucky, we will find ourselves at a place in life where we can derive pleasure from our work. Some of us, if we are lucky, will see ourselves launched on new careers in mid-life which will give us that elusive feeling of pleasure”.

Kushner is a Rabbi and he loves what he does, even when the work he has to do involves a sad event. “In a strange way, I feel good when I am officiating at a funeral,” he says. “For years, I couldn’t understand that feeling. I thought there might be something perverse about me, to enjoy such moments. But I understand it now. At times like that, I feel alive and engaged. I know that I am not merely present but that I am making a difference.”

Harold Kushner, paraphrasing lines in Ecclesiastes in the bible, says “If you are not going to win a Nobel Prize for your work, if it is not going to make you rich and famous, it still can give meaning to your life if you take it seriously and do it with all your might”.

I am absolutely convinced that work is a powerful and wonderful thing for our lives and makes us feel so much better about everything. As the novelist Wallace Stegner said “More people than would probably admit it find in work the scaffolding that holds up their adult lives.”

So yes, after learning–or I should say re-learning–all this about work, I have begun to re-dedicate and re-motivate my life to the work I love to do. Of course, we all need a break and so I will keep playing and traveling but these will be part time activities, because let’s face it, you can’t realistically play tennis, work out, hike in the mountains, watch movies or even have sex for 8 to 10 hours a day but you can work that long! You can dump all of your boredom and find great fulfillment in your accomplishments with hard work. You can also meet more fascinating people, contribute to humanity and, as an added bonus, even make a bit more money along the way. That’s a win-win-win from every angle!

 

The Answer to Boredom: Work

Yesterday day I had lunch with a very good, longtime friend. He had recently retired from working at the business he owned and we talked a lot about that transition from being a full time worker into a retiree. We talked about some of the big challenges a person faces when they hit retirement. It’s something that most people look forward to their entire working lives, but it’s a huge trap or at least it can be and not a very nice one.

The bottom line of our conversation was summed up in my friend’s comment “I am bored out of my mind!” And believe me, I know exactly what he is feeling! Been there, done that–twice. The first time was when I had made quite a few million dollars and just turned 40 and thought “Wow, I don’t have to work anymore. I think I will retire.” So I did but quickly discovered that I was, yes, bored out of my mind! I found I craved that meaningful purpose that having an occupation gave me so I jumped right back into work and what a relief that was! I instantly felt so much better.

My second retirement was just about 2 years ago when I turned my company over to my kids and decided to play more tennis and travel more. That was great for the first 2 or 3 months but then I started feeling unfulfilled and constantly found myself wandering around the house and driving my wife crazy. I knew something was wrong and my brain kept saying “Ok … you are no longer an entrepreneurial business type guy and as you’re not doing much writing any more you aren’t much of an author, so just what the hell are you?”

I tried to busy myself with more tennis, workouts, mountain hikes and travel and, yes, that helped but it just wasn’t enough. Then quite suddenly something motivated me to pick up an old book that I had read a couple of times before. I did this as part of my philosophy learned from my late great mentor, Paul J Meyer, that philosophy being that you should pick a few dozen or even a hundred of the very best books you’ve ever read then read them multiple times. Since we all forget so much of what we’ve read and learned at any one time, rereading is necessary.

I began reading Harold Kushner’s wonderful book “When All You Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: The Search for a Life That Matters” It was while reading this that the key to solving my struggles with retirement and boredom hit me full in the face. What was it that Kushner said in his book that was such a breakthrough for me? It was simply uttering that good ole four letter word “WORK”!

Don’t laugh. This really is the answer to boredom and does give one a major power lift to the soul, the mind, and the body as well as a big time enhancement to self-worth. And yet that was the very thing we think we want to leave behind. But that thinking is wrong. We need work. And for more than just a paycheck!

Next week we’ll talk more about this concept of work being so very important to us and why. But for now, whether you are still working or retired, realize that having a purpose each day is what makes life fulfilling and that the idea of retirement should be an opportunity to work as you like, not to stop working altogether.

In Search of the Right Income Property

Don’t let the title mislead you—there is no such thing as the perfect property, just as there no such thing as the perfect spouse, car, child or job.  But there are certainly “good” properties and even some “great” properties as well as “good” financing and “great” financing.  By the same token there are some real bad properties around, waiting to snare you. I want to steer you in the right direction towards the right property for what you are after and keep you from ever giving the bad ones a home in your portfolio.

First, decide exactly what it is you want out of your investment. Why are you buying a piece of income property?  Be specific.  Are you after a lucrative cash flow? Or do you want a profitable overall return? Is it for the cash flow in addition to the tax savings and what you might get after you do some “fix up” work?

In addition, a novice investor must understand the alternative types of real estate investments available to him or her.  Of course, there are the residential types of investments including houses, duplexes, apartment, rehabs and others but there is a myriad of other income-producing properties which fall in the category of “beyond residential”.  A few examples would include gas stations, small strip malls, mini storage, motels, and retail shops.

This second category is too often overlooked by beginning and even experienced investors.  If you’re looking only at the residential properties in your area, you’re missing the entire menu.  There are commercial properties that fall into the lower ranges but because commercial is often thought of as being for the big time investor, the smaller guys don’t look there. But think about it … why would there not be smaller commercial investments just as there are smaller residential investments? It doesn’t matter what kind of property is it, just that it’ll get you the best return for your investment dollar.

Also consider that property that might have been residential or commercial when you bought it can be converted to take advantage of better income producing options for the area. Vacant gas stations have been leased to counties as libraries; motels have been converted to office buildings or housing for the elderly; mini-warehouses have been built out of other commercial spaces behind sub divisions or trailer parks where storage space is scare and small warehouses have been converted into loft type apartments or duplexes.  There are many potential gold mines in commercial or “beyond residential” property.

I’m certainly not saying that commercial or “beyond residential” property makes a better investment than residential. I’m merely trying to point out that when you go looking for the perfect income producing real estate, don’t limit yourself to the residential category alone. Look at the full menu.

And lastly, don’t forget now is a particularly great time to be buying income real estate because prices are near historical lows relative to income and interest rates, even though they have moved up a bit in the last month, are still at very low! So doesn’t hesitate. Get out there, look at all the options and put your money to work!

 

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