Vigilance as the Key to Battling Depression
In my book “How to Ignite Your Passion for Living”, I touch upon some of the depressive episodes I have been through and some of the ways I have dealt with them. I have a whole list of simple but effective things you can do to combat depression. And although I still believe the items on that list to be important actions, I think Eckhart Tolle, in his book “The Power of Now”, has hit upon the true source and most effective ideas to combat depression as well as other mood disorders.
The first few ideas on his list are some of the most important, at least in my experience. They deal with becoming a watcher of one’s thoughts and redirecting the mind when we start to buy into the idea of “being a depressed person”:
• Vigilance is one of the first concepts he speaks to. Learning to recognize how your mind labels thoughts and sits in judgment so you know what ideas lie at the source of your pain.
• Secondly, Tolle believes that you need to accept whatever the present moment contains as if you had chosen it.
• Thirdly, you need to realize and understand that the pain or depression wants you to unconsciously identify with it, allowing it to survive in your mind. If you are not a careful watcher of your thoughts then you may come to believe that you are a depressed person and then this becomes your identity.
Letting your mind create this depression identity will make it very difficult to get past the dark feelings and the pain because you will then believe this is who you are. But if you start with these first few ideas of Tolle’s, recognizing how your mind is working and seeing the present moment as something under your control, you can avoid the mindset that makes you think of yourself as a “depressed person”.
These ideas are true for any issues of mood. I choose to talk about them in terms of depression because that has been a recent and difficult battle of mine. However, if you are dealing with anger, guilt, low self-esteem, fear, etc. watching your thoughts and taking control can help you with all types of painful moods and attitudes.
The Power of Shared Ideas
While reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle for about the 4th time recently, I found layers of understanding in his comments and thoughts on overcoming “mental pain†such as depression, rage, anger, impatience and bad moods, that I hadn’t seen before. We often don’t quite understand information we are reading if we haven’t had, or are not dealing with, the kind of experiences it speaks to. So why did this information all of a sudden mean more to me than it had the other times I read the book? Because this time, I was dealing with a problem that these words speak directly about.
I’ve been reading, thinking, and studying this book and similar material on a much deeper level because of recent moods I’ve been in, some being a fairly hefty depression. As I mentioned in the last post, being a public speaker and looked to as an expert of sorts, it has been somewhat difficult to admit to others, or even to myself, that I have had this kind of a challenge and problem. I am the one who should have all the answers and live the perfect life, right? Well, it doesn’t matter who you are, you will deal with unwanted and even paralyzing moods sometimes. But you can approach these like any problem or goal—by taking it on step by step.
Finding the steps to get you through a rough time might be the hardest part. Years ago I developed a list of “7 Non-drug Ways to Overcome Depression” but reading Tolle’s book at this time, when the ideas are so poignant are for me, has lead me to a major breakthrough and the power of these ideas have been on my mind.
Although I am no expert in the area of psychological well-being, I think sharing my experiences and the inspirational information I’ve found could be helpful to some of you. So over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting about what I’ve done that has helped me. If you are dealing with depression, anger or mood swings right now, you may want to pick up a copy of Tolle’s “The Power of Now” and see if what he has to say doesn’t hit home for you as well.
Perfection and its Flaws
I don’t know if I mentioned this on the blog before, but I grew up Mormon and was seriously involved in the church, even going on a two year mission to England to spread the word. I was a true believer who had certain scriptures pounded into my head over the years including Matt. 5:48 which says “be ye therefore PERFECT even as your father in Heaven.” I tried so hard for many years to be perfect, driving myself nuts in the process. However, I eventually began to think for myself and left the church in my mid-30s. Along the way I realized, to my utter relief, that perfection in ANYTHING is simply not possible.
Even so, the idea that I must be perfect and appear perfect has always been a bit hard to shake. I do consider myself a very successful man, but I have been so very far from perfect. It makes it even more difficult to admit to a lack of perfection when you become a public speaker, write books, and are looked to as an expert. Well, here’s a big news flash: No one, not even so-called experts, do everything perfectly all or most of the time. Experts are as human as the next guy and continue to make wrong decisions, even in their own field when they should know better because it’s always easier to preach a good sermon than to live one.
So, yes, I still have a hard time with the idea that I will never accomplish perfection, that I have and will miss the mark some times and that I’ve ignored my own advice on too many occasions. High expectations come at us from all corners of our lives—from our religious community, families, co-workers, friends and even ourselves and there is no way we can meet them all or even come close. The question is, when we aren’t as successful as we hope to be, do we let it stop us from trying again?
I don’t think there is a problem with reaching for perfection as long as we know it’s about seeing how close we can get, that we are not failures when we don’t meet those high expectations. The problem with reaching perfection is that there is nothing more to reach for after that. So look at those imperfectly completed goals as a blessing. They will always give you something more to strive for and drive the passion that makes life so wonderful an experience.
Find Your Forward Movement
For me the most helpful point in Mihaly Csikszentmihaly’s book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, is to take time to set structure to our lives, including tough goals that push us to the limit. He says true enjoyment is characterized by forward movement; the act of pushing ourselves beyond what we are programmed to do to achieve something unexpected.
There are likely a number of things you do already that reach or approach this ideal and get you to that state of flow. For me it includes:
• Playing a close game of tennis that stretches my ability
• Pushing myself to the max in stretching , yoga style
• Reading a book that reveals things in a new light
• Closing a tough real estate deal
• Having a conversation that leads to a discovery of gives me new ideas
• Spending time writing in my journal and setting more goals and plans with dates to push myself
• Working out very, very hard
• Climbing or cycling up a big tough mountain
I think we should all become aware of the flow experiences that push us towards the unexpected, giving us the experiences and forward movement that brings true happiness and contentment. Consider taking the time to figure out what those are for you. Then make them a priority and see if you don’t find your life quite a bit more satisfying.
The Difference Between Pleasure and Happiness
If what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says in “Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience” is true, the key to happiness is being involved in every detail of our lives and taking action with intention. It all comes down to our focus, both in being mindful of what we do as well as keeping our attention on the condition of our life. This is never easy. As mentioned last week, we have built-in desires and tendencies that disrupt our focus and distract us from our intended actions.
Personally I think a huge part of this is that we mistake pleasure for happiness. Things that are pleasurable, that fulfill our immediate desires, do not necessarily bring happiness as they are really two different things.
Consider what you think of as ‘pleasurable’–food, relaxation, physical contact with others, etc.–then think about the things that actually make you happy and feel fulfilled–recognition for your hard work, winning a competition, learning something new, etc. An action can feel pleasurable, enough to continue doing it, but you may not enjoy it in the end (heavy drugs or alcohol use quite often result in this seemingly contradictive state). Yet you can do things that are painful but give you great contentment, like pushing yourself to finish a marathon or living frugally because you put all your money into your new business. What makes you happy, and breeds contentment, are those things that challenge you and add complexity to your life, not the sensations of a momentary pleasure.
If you understand this and can recognize the difference, the battle over “self” that I talked about last week will be much easier. If you let your mind be constantly diverted from your plans and intentions by activities that are fleetingly pleasurable such as excessive eating, television, recreational drug use, drinking too much alcohol, etc. you will not enjoy your life. They just can’t provide you with the lasting contentment that comes from facing difficult challenges and accomplishing long term plans.
Pleasurable, healthy diversions do not have to be a disruption. If you plan for them they can become part of the order and progress that your happiness is built on. That is how you achieve focus and flow, with intentions fulfilled and distractions under control. The key here is recognizing what is a distraction and what will, in the end, provide you with the happiness and contentment you are after.
Increase Contentment–Shut out the ‘Self’
In the book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Csikszentmihaly says the battle over self is the only battle that you must win for complete contentment, that all other battles will be relatively easy when battle over self is won.
It’s not an easy battle, I can tell you. But it helps if you understand what ‘self’ is and can recognize it.
Self is that part of you that is instinctual, the part that would prefer to rest, eat more, and spend more time in physical pleasures. This part of ourselves is rooted in our long ago past. Way back when every day was focused on just surviving, we had to rest whenever we could because every waking hour was spent hunting and gathering. It was also a time when food wasn’t always readily available so you would eat up when you could. And as lifespans were short, a strong sex drive was a matter of survival for our species. These desires for rest, food, and sex were a necessary part of our lives.
Our society and our way of life have evolved dramatically in a relatively short time but these impulses did not. We still battle the instinctual self every day, trying not to be distracted by it so we can accomplish the things we want and know we should be doing. When we are in ‘flow’, however, all of this inherent self falls away. Our world becomes the challenge we are engaged in and nothing more. We are no longer battling old instincts or even wrestling with modern pressures. There is no self to be concerned with, just the task at hand and that sense of contentment it brings.
It would be great if we instantly fall into this flow state whenever we needed it but it’s just not that easy to overcome the self. However, we can work towards it in many things we do, shutting out that voice that sidetracks us or complains about the work to be done. This is the old, unnecessary ‘self’ talking to you. Learn to recognize it for what it is and shut it out. We can’t do much about it being there, but we don’t have to listen to it either. That is another thing about modern man. We have a choice.
Getting into the ‘Flow’
I recently sat down and re-read, for maybe the 6th or 7th time, Mihaly Csikszentmihaly’s fantastic book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. He has some very intriguing ideas and I wanted to share some them with you over the next few weeks.
First of all, the basic idea of the book and the theory he discusses is that we are happiest when we are in, what he calls, a state of ‘flow’. This is that moment when you become completely engrossed in what you are doing and everything else around you kind of disappears. Some people call it being in the zone or getting in a groove. But whatever it’s called, it is usually spoken of with fervor, excitement or longing and I think we’d all like to spend a lot more time there.
You can only be in flow, though if the task on hand is of particular interest to you and you have some level of skill to work with. Plus it needs to be challenging–nothing frustratingly hard, but challenging enough to motivate you to keep working at it. A natural interest combined with a testing of our skills gives us an intense sense of fulfillment, so much so that things like time, food, comfort, and even ego are lost. We get to a point where we do the task for the sake of the task and reach a state of productive harmony.
I’m thinking, though, you don’t have to get into the zone or a groove to make these ideas bring more happiness into your life on a regular basis. Whether it’s tasks you are accomplishing at your job, with your business, while working on a hobby or even fixing up the house you can develop your skills so that you do what you do well. Then challenge yourself and your skills. That same sense of fulfillment and happiness can be a part of your every day then, not just those super cool moments when you’re in the flow. But, of course, making it a goal to have more of those trance like flow moments would certainly make for a happier you as well.
Life Should Not Be a String of Sundays
It’s so easy to get overly relaxed when you are in Hawaii as I have been these last few weeks. These relaxing days do allow me to reach some major mental breakthroughs and really think through the ideas that come to me. This trip out, I was really struck by how lost I can feel, even during these relaxing days and it got me thinking about how common this feeling can be for people in mid and later life. You’ve worked so hard for years, looking forward to retirement, and then once you get there, you start having these days where you simply have no direction. And you start to realize, the carefree retirement life isn’t quite what you expected.
I see this all the time in people around me and many times inside myself. When one retires or semi-retires it becomes like one long string of Sundays. For most people in America, Sunday is the lazy day, the day when you don’t have any particular plans, a day to unwind and not answer to the clock. But when you do this every day, it actually can get depressing.
As it turns out, Sunday morning has been found to be the most depressing time of the week. Seems very odd that this can be true but the reason is pretty simple. It’s because we don’t usually have any particular goals, plans or structure for that time of the week, unlike the work week and the often busy, errand and play day on Saturday. Likewise, when a person retires, the constant structure of their life is gone and without those goals and deadlines, they begin to feel lost.
Retirement is not a bad thing. I can certainly attest to its advantages. But even in retirement, there should be goals and plans. It’s just that this time, you don’t have an employer to please, or a family to provide for so you can determine just what you want to do without those concerns. The key is having the structure, the challenges, and the hopes that made you get up every day before retirement. You don’t stop having dreams when you get older, so there is no reason to stop making plans.
The Power Tool of Goal Setting: B-RAM
The last couple posts I talked about some of the essential components to success including taking action and writing out your goal. Without them you can’t even get started. But what will keep you going once you do get started? All the best intentions are not going to help you when things get really challenging.
Take dieting, as an example. You go out to eat and you’re sitting there with your Caesar salad while your companions chow down prime rib and pizza and your mouth is salivating nonstop. You begin to wonder why in the world are you are dieting when you could just be enjoying yourself. But, the next day, a glance at yourself in the mirror makes you smile or you end up out playing ball with the kids for an hour instead of just ten minutes. That’s when it’s easy to remember why you’re changing the way you eat and, in those moments, you can honestly say you don’t miss those Grande mochas with whipped cream in the morning. Until your co-worker walks in with one and, again, you forget why you’re dieting. It’s then that you need a true will power tool.
That tool is something I call B-RAM. You can read about it in Chapter 7 of my book, How to Ignite Your Passion for Living. B-RAM stands for Benefits, Reasons, and Motivations. It’s a list of the real end goals you’re after. Losing weight isn’t just about looking good—it’s about feeling better, getting off medication, reducing your risk of disease, and increasing your energy so you can do more for yourself and your family. You know this is why you do it but in those really trying moments, they are just hard to remember.
With a B-RAM list though, all you do is pull the list out and read it over. You keep that list as handy as possible. Maybe you put it on your phone, on an index card in your wallet, or on sticky notes posted on your glove compartment and bathroom mirror. The important thing about your B-RAM list is that it must list every single benefit, reason, and motivation that will make this goal worth working so hard for. The longer the list, the easier it will be to keep on track. And if you can do that, just keep yourself going, soon you won’t have to wonder why you work so hard. Because you’ll be living with those benefits, not just reading about them.
The Power of Your Written Word
Success. I talk a lot about it. But as they say, talk is cheap. Writing, however can be gold! If you want to be successful you need to have your intentions down in writing. Even if you are the only one to see it, putting down what you’re going to do, and WHEN you’re going to accomplish it, will be a major motivator. It’s as if all the thoughts in your head have become real and concrete, something that you can’t ignore or put off.
Putting your goal in writing forces you to really consider what it is you want because now you have to put it down in black and white, in a form that is concise and easily understood. When you write out your goal, answer all the basics: Who, What, Where, Why, How, and, most importantly, When:
–Who’s involved in this project?
–What is the end goal?
–Where will you work on this goal or where do you need to go to move it along?
–Why do you want this?
–How will you achieve it?
–And when will you achieve it?
Your actual questions might be a little different but put the answer to those questions down on paper and your ideas become more than just words, they become a contract. And that’s exactly how you should treat it. Write out your goal and sign it! Then post it where you can see it every day. Put your deadline (or deadlines if it will be done in stages) on your calendar, your day timer, and/or your phone. Make this goal as real and as much a priority as anything else you deem important in your life.
Your written goal will really be key to your success. It will be the starting point for your actions and determine the direction you will take. And as the journey to achieve your goal progresses, don’t forget the power of your written word. You can use it to define all the steps in between and keep you on course. After that, it’s just one step and then another. Just keep on writing it down.
