Find Your Forward Movement

For me the most helpful point in Mihaly Csikszentmihaly’s book, Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, is to take time to set structure to our lives, including tough goals that push us to the limit. He says true enjoyment is characterized by forward movement; the act of pushing ourselves beyond what we are programmed to do to achieve something unexpected.

There are likely a number of things you do already that reach or approach this ideal and get you to that state of flow. For me it includes:
• Playing a close game of tennis that stretches my ability
• Pushing myself to the max in stretching , yoga style
• Reading a book that reveals things in a new light
• Closing a tough real estate deal
• Having a conversation that leads to a discovery of gives me new ideas
• Spending time writing in my journal and setting more goals and plans with dates to push myself
• Working out very, very hard
• Climbing or cycling up a big tough mountain

I think we should all become aware of the flow experiences that push us towards the unexpected, giving us the experiences and forward movement that brings true happiness and contentment. Consider taking the time to figure out what those are for you. Then make them a priority and see if you don’t find your life quite a bit more satisfying.

The Difference Between Pleasure and Happiness

If what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi says in “Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience” is true, the key to happiness is being involved in every detail of our lives and taking action with intention. It all comes down to our focus, both in being mindful of what we do as well as keeping our attention on the condition of our life. This is never easy. As mentioned last week, we have built-in desires and tendencies that disrupt our focus and distract us from our intended actions.

Personally I think a huge part of this is that we mistake pleasure for happiness. Things that are pleasurable, that fulfill our immediate desires, do not necessarily bring happiness as they are really two different things.

Consider what you think of as ‘pleasurable’–food, relaxation, physical contact with others, etc.–then think about the things that actually make you happy and feel fulfilled–recognition for your hard work, winning a competition, learning something new, etc. An action can feel pleasurable, enough to continue doing it, but you may not enjoy it in the end (heavy drugs or alcohol use quite often result in this seemingly contradictive state). Yet you can do things that are painful but give you great contentment, like pushing yourself to finish a marathon or living frugally because you put all your money into your new business. What makes you happy, and breeds contentment, are those things that challenge you and add complexity to your life, not the sensations of a momentary pleasure.

If you understand this and can recognize the difference, the battle over “self” that I talked about last week will be much easier. If you let your mind be constantly diverted from your plans and intentions by activities that are fleetingly pleasurable such as excessive eating, television, recreational drug use, drinking too much alcohol, etc. you will not enjoy your life. They just can’t provide you with the lasting contentment that comes from facing difficult challenges and accomplishing long term plans.

Pleasurable, healthy diversions do not have to be a disruption. If you plan for them they can become part of the order and progress that your happiness is built on. That is how you achieve focus and flow, with intentions fulfilled and distractions under control. The key here is recognizing what is a distraction and what will, in the end, provide you with the happiness and contentment you are after.

The Power Tool of Goal Setting: B-RAM

The last couple posts I talked about some of the essential components to success including taking action and writing out your goal. Without them you can’t even get started. But what will keep you going once you do get started? All the best intentions are not going to help you when things get really challenging.

Take dieting, as an example. You go out to eat and you’re sitting there with your Caesar salad while your companions chow down prime rib and pizza and your mouth is salivating nonstop. You begin to wonder why in the world are you are dieting when you could just be enjoying yourself. But, the next day, a glance at yourself in the mirror makes you smile or you end up out playing ball with the kids for an hour instead of just ten minutes. That’s when it’s easy to remember why you’re changing the way you eat and, in those moments, you can honestly say you don’t miss those Grande mochas with whipped cream in the morning. Until your co-worker walks in with one and, again, you forget why you’re dieting. It’s then that you need a true will power tool.

That tool is something I call B-RAM. You can read about it in Chapter 7 of my book, How to Ignite Your Passion for Living. B-RAM stands for Benefits, Reasons, and Motivations. It’s a list of the real end goals you’re after. Losing weight isn’t just about looking good—it’s about feeling better, getting off medication, reducing your risk of disease, and increasing your energy so you can do more for yourself and your family. You know this is why you do it but in those really trying moments, they are just hard to remember.

With a B-RAM list though, all you do is pull the list out and read it over. You keep that list as handy as possible. Maybe you put it on your phone, on an index card in your wallet, or on sticky notes posted on your glove compartment and bathroom mirror. The important thing about your B-RAM list is that it must list every single benefit, reason, and motivation that will make this goal worth working so hard for. The longer the list, the easier it will be to keep on track. And if you can do that, just keep yourself going, soon you won’t have to wonder why you work so hard. Because you’ll be living with those benefits, not just reading about them.

Living in Karma

While visiting various people in Nepal and Bhutan we were told repeatedly by both Hindu and Buddhist how they strongly believed in Karma—the concept that there is a fundamental law of nature that rewards or punishes a person because of their “thoughts, words and actions” in this life and sometimes in the next life. In my opinion, this belief system is more sensible than the common Western religious focus on a reward or punishment you’ll receive in the hereafter. With Karma, the focus is on what you can do to make your life, and the lives of those around you, better now, in the life you’re presently living.

We saw the results of this belief many times through the wonderful actions of the people in both Nepal and Bhutan. We actually ended up in a light-hearted disagreement with our very friendly and funny cab driver, Mr. Pandey, while he drove us around in Kathmandu. The issue was how much we would pay him for driving us around all day. We were trying to pay him more and he was demanding less–bet that doesn’t ever happen in New York City!

I think Mr. Pandey truly understood the value of karma and how what he did now would come back to him in this life. I’m sure that thought was what motivated him. What he probably didn’t know, was that his generosity also encouraged the creation of the brain chemicals dopamine and serotonin which gives a major boost to our sense of well-being and fulfillment. (I talk a lot about this in chapter 12 of “How to Ignite Your Passion for Living”. See on page 145 in particular). I’d guess Buddha was a bit of a scientist way back in the 5th century BC, even if he didn’t know exactly what the ‘energy’ that flowed through a good and generous person was.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone believed in, and acted on, the concept of Karma? I believe we all need to think more about Kama so our thoughts, words and actions help the world and ourselves now and maybe not think so much about our rewards in the next life. Because if there is an afterlife, there would be no better measure of a person than how well they lived each and every day of this one.

A Little Lesson on Never Giving Up

As most of you know, the very talented Leslie Nielsen died this past weekend. He was an amazing person not only because of his talent but also because of his perseverance.

Nielsen childhood was a difficult one, growing up in an abusive home but with one particular shining star in his life—his uncle who was a well-known actor. The awe and respect his uncle garnered inspired Nielsen to pursue an acting career even though, as he told a Boston Globe reporter in 1994, he was “very shy about it and certainly without courage regarding it”. Yet, it was what he wanted and so, even though he often felt he would be discovered to be a no-talent, he moved forward, gaining a scholarship to the Neighborhood Playhouse and making his first television appearance a few years later in 1948. However, becoming a full-time, successful actor would still be an uphill battle for another 8 years until he landed a number of film roles that finally got him noticed.

But even then, what he had wasn’t quite what he wanted. Apparently Nielsen always felt he should be doing comedy but his good looks and distinguished voice kept him busy in dramatic roles. It wasn’t until 1980—32 years into his career—that he landed the role it would seem he was made for in “Airplane!”. That movie lead him into the second half of a prolific and notable career where his comedic presence alone could make a movie a financial success even when the critics would not give it two thumbs up.

Did Nielsen then feel content in his career? Yes and no. He was thrilled to be doing the comedy that he always felt he should do, but even during his last few years, he always had an innate sense of curiosity, wondering what new role or challenge might be just around the corner. He never stopped working, never retired. He had a passion, not only for acting and entertaining but also for living.

Leslie Nielsen’s passion and perseverance is wonderfully inspiring. He built a hugely successful career with little more than plain old hard work and doggedness. He showed us that even a single desire, never given up on, can make for a remarkable life. And I, for one, want to thank him for it.

Living a Life of Quality

With age, and the experience of achieving great success, it has become glaringly clear that wealth, power, status, fame, possessions, etc. do not, by themselves, add anything significant to the actual quality of our lives. Yes, I find having wealth is nice and allows me to do many wonderful things such as travel (like I am right now!), and I do thoroughly enjoy many of my physical possessions like my new house and all the bits and pieces my wife has brought in to make it a home, but these things are not how I measure how well I live.

Most of what makes a life worth living is not to be bought or collected but can be found in the experiences you have, what you give to others, what you accept, and how you choose to look at the world. It’s those many small steps that make up the journey that determine the true importance of the destination, not the destination itself.

If your ‘destination’ is great wealth, gaining that wealth will only be important if you’ve lived well, struggled often, and celebrated your small successes along the way. This is why lottery winners almost always end up unhappy. There was no journey, no sense of success and no memories that made up the path to their wealth. The money just became a condition of their life, not something that engaged their sense of personal acheivement.

This idea brings together much of what I’ve been talking about these past few weeks. Live in the moment, because these moments are what your life is truly made of. Choose to be happy or your life will be made of many disappointing moments and thus your life will be disappointing. And don’t forget to look for joy in the wonderful act of giving to others, acts that will infuse your life with the kind of treasure that you could never buy or fabricate.

Go ahead and go for the wealth and the status and whatever else you dream of. Just remember to live a quality life along the way, and keep up your passion for living, not just for the future life you’re after.

The $2 High

Last week I went on a hike to get some exercise, looking forward to the great feeling that the increase of serotonin and dopamine bring on from the exercise. In my pocket I had a handful of $2 bills which I give out to kids because it always brings a huge smile and a sincere thank you and I get a big boast myself from seeing how happy it makes them.

So while enjoying the beautiful sights of Millcreek Canyon, I passed a couple and their daughter. The little girl was crying because she had fallen on the trail. As I passed by I told the her “Be sure to keep your eyes on the trail for paper litter and if you pick some up you will be TWO lucky.” I then dropped a $2 bill a few feet on. The girl saw it, picked it up, her scrapes forgotten, and excitedly showed her parents. I kept on hiking, a big smile on my face, but soon heard them talking to another hiker about what I’d done, which made me smile even more.

A little while later I passed a slightly older girl and told her the same thing. When I dropped the $2 bill she very sweetly let me know I had dropped it. I told her to keep it for good luck. I passed this girl and her parents on the way back down and her parents stopped me, thanking me over and over and again and said their daughter thought I was an angel. That made my broad smile into an even broader grin that just wouldn’t leave my face.

By the time I’d gotten to the end of the trail, I was incredibly high on all the joy my little gestures produced as well as from the exercise. I couldn’t stop thinking about how something as small as a $2 bill could make both the giver and receiver so happy. We all go to great lengths to find a little happiness, something that makes us feel good or let’s us know what we do is worthwhile. And yet some of the smallest gestures can do this very thing, not just for you but also for others.

Take a look at Chapter 12 “The Benefits of a “God- Eye View” in my book, “How to Ignite Your Passion for Living”. And take a moment here and there to make someone’s day and yours as well.

Others’ Success Breeds Your Success

You ability to succeed, at whatever it is you want to do depends very much on your dedication, your passion, and a great support system. But something that is not often talked about that seems to be an essential part of a support system is the presence of a successful, talented. Henry David Thoreau was mentored by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Frank Sinatara drew a lifetime of inspiration from his mentor and friend, Bing Crosby. Even Bill Gates who has been said to draw so much from games like Risk and Monopoly spent significant time with Warren Buffett. It’s not just the wisdom that a mentor can bring you but the fulfilling and stimulating personal connection.

It is too hard to struggle in a vacuum, aiming for a dream that no one around you carries a similar passion for. That is why the most successful people either are drawn to, or seek out, the most accomplished people in the fields that relate to their passions. Do you have someone in your life that you look up to, that can share their wisdom with you and help you realize your goals? If not, you need to seek out these kinds of people through conventions, local meetings, and industry events–any where the successful gather. If you surround yourself with the right kind of people, someone is bound to take an interest in your enthusiasm and pass on what they have learned.

Although there are amazing people whose stories and legacies are hugely empowering, that you can access through books, TV and the internet to draw inspiration from, these distant or one way relationships will never replace the energy you get from one on one time with someone who has reached a level of success you are still striving for. Being able to have a discussion, ask questions, observe, and get feedback from a person who has gone through all the trials and joys that the road to dreams are paved with has an infinitely greater impact on you. And having such a person as a friend means you have relative access to those motivating discussions and inspiring support—and a better chance of getting where you want to go.

I’ve had many o my own mentors over the years but I think my most influential mentor was Larry Rosenberg with Paul J. Meyer right behind him. You can read more about both these wonderful men in my book,How to Ignite Your Passion for Living.

Be Open to Being Open

In the past few posts, I’ve been outlining the best ways to leverage yourself with networking. In addition to getting out there regularly and having a loaded business gun so you are ready to make the most of a new connection, you also need to have the proper, open-minded attitude. In other words, you need to toss preconceptions about what type of people you want to connect with or what kind of opportunities you’re hoping to find. Some of the best connections and opportunities arise where you least expect them.

For instance, a long, long time ago a candle maker and a soap maker found themselves married to sisters. As brothers-in-law, they saw each other frequently but never talked to each other about their businesses because they created two different things. It took their astute father-in-law knocking them over the head to realize that what they did was actually very similar—they both produced tallow and fat based products sold to the home retail market. They decided to go ahead and try combining their efforts by selling both products types at each sales call and putting their individual strengths where it would do the company the most good. Within a couple decades they were one of the largest companies in Cincinnati. The simple candle and soap makers became some of the richest men in the region, something they were not likely to accomplish on their own.

Now their company, Proctor and Gamble, is known around the world and boasts sales near the $40 billion mark. And to think that initially they didn’t believe they had anything to offer the other! Opportunities are plentiful. You just have to get past the standard assumptions, think creatively, and consider ideas from many angles.

So, the next time you’re introduced to someone or an idea comes your way that gives you that “not my thing” feeling, stop and give it a couple minutes and see if you can’t come up with a way you could benefit each other. You never know what you might come up with. Keeping an open mind gives you so many more chances to multiply your finances, as well as business partnerships and friendships. You’ll be surprised at how often positive things develop if you just give them a little consideration.

Load Up Your “Business Gun” With The Right Ammo

As I’ve mentioned, networking and constantly getting to know new people is absolutely imperative, but those efforts are practically useless if you aren’t set up to develop a chance meeting from a couple minutes chatting to a long term relationship. The ammunition you should have in your “gun” might include anything from professionally designed business cards to a well crafted tag-line. The key is to have it ready and on hand when you meet your next great connection.

A business card is a given but in this day and age you need to hand people more than just a phone number. They will expect an email, a website and other online information. If you haven’t done so already, build a solid online presence, even if it’s just a one page website with basic information and links to other things you or your business are involved in. I also suggest looking into getting a LinkedIn account, creating a Facebook page, starting a Twitter account, or writing a blog. You’ll need to investigate which options will work best for what you’re doing and then spend some time forging them into the ammunition you need.

If it makes sense for your business, consider investing in promotional items. It can be anything from pens, magnets, or small gadgets related to your business that are easy to carry and hand out so people have a reminder of you and what you do. When at shows or conventions, have informational materials ready for those times when you can’t get in much more than your tag-line.

In addition, be ready to give back and help others. The more you assist others in their personal or business goals, the better they will remember you and the more willing they’ll be to assist you in your endeavors. Nothing in your arsenal will have more of an impact than a little gratitude and a positive image. Put this together with a solid on-line presence and plenty of ready contact information and you will have a truly well loaded business gun.

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